<center><a href="http://www.tossingitout.blogspot.com/2011/01/very-special-and-exciting-announcement.html" target="_self"><img border="0" height="200" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/__Tx8k6-aLY0/TT_VKBsQU7I/AAAAAAAABhI/drsZE1pP2_Y/s200/A-ZApril.jpg" width="190" /></a></center>
As I was speaking to an online friend the other day, I mentioned that I've come to several conclusions about myself. I've spent so much of the last three years working for my children, I haven't had much time for myself to do a ton of soul-searching. That being said, the few conclusions I've managed to find have been somewhat profound.
I'd always assumed that I was going to grow up, have kids, live in a nice house, have weekend barbecues with the neighbors, have the cat and the dog, and, and, and.... the whole formal American dream. Yeah. It hasn't happened that way. For the longest time I've been suffering (and I mean SUFFERING) from the fact that I wasn't where I'd always expected to be.
I realized, somewhere in the last few months, that I wasn't disappointed in myself. I was disappointed that I wasn't what everyone else expected. I can even recall the moment I came to the realization that I was HAPPY not being the formal, stuffy, perfectly dressed stay-at-home Mama. I was watching Mamma Mia! and thinking to myself that, more than anything, I wanted to grow old with a sense of grace, humor, and self- like the Mom played by Meryl Streep. When I told the Husbeastie this newfound goal, he quickly pointed out that I couldn't do it; I cared too much. I competed too much. I tried too hard.
A light switched on. Why was I competing with snobby neighbors who disliked me because I was overweight? Why did I even WANT to be friends with people who put me down constantly? Who cared if I wore $5 sweats around the house? I certainly didn't care. If I cared, I wouldn't do it.
I'm a lot happier now. (Ok, I'll admit, right now I'm cranky and tired and stressed because my home is piled high with half-empty moving boxes and I'm the only one who seems to realize that we move in THREE weeks...) I'm a lot happier with myself now. I don't feel a constant need to kick myself to be what others want. And, honestly enough--- I'm happy without formality.